Hear/Say

It’s been awhile. I have no idea when it was the last time. Which is really depressing.

People call these spells, but it feels more like a curse– but then again, the urges are not so powerful until it’s out of your hands. It’s like being sober all of the time: with crushes and love in the air, everything is perfect. Even traffic. Even tangled knots in your hair, or the fact that your gas tank is once again empty. Without it, life feels impossible. It feels insurmountable. The flatness of any light pierces you with loneliness. With angst. With cravings of love, but ultimately, the fear of it. The fear that you’re not responsible with emotions and feelings, that hearts will break– and even if you yourself might be the clumsy fool who breaks glass hearts, you dread it all the same, or even more. You dread these intense feelings because you’ve never had them before. You feel like if you would have them, you would lose control. You would want to be clumsy. You would break more for good measure.

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My friend and I went on chatroulette recently, after several bouts and pouts about loving boys, secret, forbidden crushes, “all that deep stuff”. We chatroulette’d, asked boys to sing to us. A romantic Turkish man took his acoustic guitar out, lit a cigarette, and serenaded us with smooth, soulful song.  He wanted our MSNs; instead, we told him we fell in love for two seconds. A French boy asked us if we would like a cup of coffee, and than proudly showed us his sprouting pot plant while we chatted about how cool he looked.  We met a girl near Austin who said she liked to “agree to flash men if they kissed, and if they did, call them faggots and press next”. A boy with beautiful blonde hair wouldn’t let us see his beautiful face, but instead stripped down to baggy white undies before we pressed next.

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I fell in love with a Columbian band who played a few nights back; a reggae-inspired ska band with beautiful performers. And when I crush, I crush hard. They were sweet; offering jackets, drinks, salsa dancing lessons, cigarettes– and how genuine and earnest they were in conversation. It makes me realize how there are people out there who are fun to talk to– people that aren’t a chore to hang out with, or a bigger chore to coax them out of the house. I think a lot of my time has been wasted on people who feel this way; meeting these boys made me realize how caught up in their own lives people get, that they don’t realize how glorious the present moment might be. How preachy of me; we can always reference the Seattle freeze, etc. etc., but perhaps they make finding those on the same ‘vibe’ worth it. It’s an exciting feeling, of being alive and wanting to meet people, and share secrets. It’s like the most wonderful part of life has started.