Hear/Say

Was flipping through Purple Magazine when my good Christian morals (I’m not Christian, though) screamed and flagellated itself at the sight of American Apparel’s half-naked-girl-on-horse ad. The ad not only features the nipply young lady riding in high-waisted nude colored stretchy pants, but four different shots of said nipply+nuddy pants. On horse.

Pale boobies offend me further

Man’s fascination with horses just creeps me out; the sexual undertones are a little too apparent– something about their ripply muscles and the purely physical appreciation for the creatures as beasts of speed (and fortune for those who bet on Zenyatta, the new exalted superstar because of her untarnished track record AND because she’s a girl) is a little too overwhelming. And I swear it’s not just me.

Celebrity photog David Lachapelle purposefully emphasizes the sensual physicality of the creature in a shoot with Angelina Jolie, where the horse (reminiscent of Gandalf’s noble steed, king of horses, Shadowfax: SHOW ME THE MEANING OF HASTE!) is captured on camera licking Jolie’s admirable mammary gifts as she throws her magnificent Jon-Voight-begotten head of hair back in an obviously vulnerable and sensual thrill of amusement. Too much amusement, whispers Pastor Dimmesdale (Scarlet Letter Sinner)…

While Jolie might not be so disturbed by derivation of pleasure from animals (see: Billy Bob Thornton. And her brother), I suppose it is very American of American Apparel. Has America not been inspired by cowboys? The large expanse that is most of our country is farmland, but I have a feeling they wouldn’t quite understand the strangeness of nipples and horses. Is the ad provocative? Certainly, the girl is half-naked– but the horse is just such a boner-killer for me, I end up repulsed and thinking of those dirty sex shows where… well.

Graceee